Subject: New Virus Warning
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, "
delete it IMMEDIATELY. Do not open it. Apparently this one
is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your
hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within
20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on
ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access
code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace
field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.
It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-800
numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer. FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you
are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with
Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes"
message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave
the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove
the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it
will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk. *******
WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. ******* And if you don't
send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard
that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in
front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person
nearest you.
Subject: It Must Be Great To Be A Man, Because
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding
plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another
snack. You can be president. Car mechanics tell you the
truth. You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen. You can open all
your own jars. You never have to drive to another gas station
because this one's just too icky. Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100. New shoes don't cut,
blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, All the time. Phone
conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. A five-day vacation
requires only one suitcase. You can leave the motel bed
unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit
for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets
to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. You can
quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat. Three
pairs of shoes are more than enough. You can quietly watch
a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking:
"He must be mad at me." You can drop by to see
a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another
guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends. You're not expected to know the
names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and
think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts
for years, maybe decade. One wallet and one pair of shoes,
one color, all seasons. You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
December 24th, in 45 minutes.
